Seasons Greetings from The Netherlands, or A Very Politically Incorrect Christmas

Well, Holland is certainly not escaping the early winter that's settling on the rest of the world. It's been hovering around zero on the Celsius for weeks now, and we've seen snow most weekends (although, alas, not enough to do anything with). But that's okay, really, because there's been plenty of holiday cheer to spread around. First there was St. Martin's Day, and now Sinterklaas! Or 'Sint' as he's generally known.

Now, before we go on we need to have a nice, mature discussion about Black Pete. Zwarte Piet is very much a part of the Sinterklaas experience here in the Netherlands. There's actually a bunch of Petes (the exact number has never been determined) and they help St. Nicholas with the messy business of distributing presents to all the deserving kinderen and bagging and carting away the bad ones (yes really!). And they have a couple weeks to do it. It really makes more sense then one fat guy on Christmas Eve, if you think about it!

Oh but of course there's the fact that Black Pete is, well, uh... black.

One story you'll hear a lot is that he got that way from climbing down chimneys. Fine, but that doesn't really explain the big red lips, the large ears often seen in illustrations, the short curly hair, or his general resemblance to a character from a minstrel show. You know what I'm saying?



Every so often I have to stop and giggle and say "This would be so Not Okay in America." Be that as it may, Pete is a generally embraced part of the festivities here, and even the African immigrants here in the community seem not to mind.

So, bearing in mind these key cultural differences, we proceed.

Sint doesn't sneak into town by the dead of night. He arrives by boat on a bright November morning and disembarks before throngs of screaming children. Then he rides a white horse to Dam Square, pictured above in celebratory expectation of this event.


The Petes have formed a live band belting out thumping pop renditions of popular Sinterklaas standbys. One thing you quickly learn about The Petes: they can do anything.

And then, the moment everyone's been waiting for: The former Bishop of Turkey, riding on a white horse!


Don't be fooled by his kindly appearance - he still packs bad kids up in sacks and hauls them off to Spain.

Another black man who can't catch a break. Sorry Darth, everyone's here to see Sint today!

I'll stop soon, really, I will.

Here in the community we get in on the fun, too. Anne and Jorine dressed up as Petes to visit the local kindergarten. Yes, Petes can be a bit feminine. Sort of a "Don't Ask Don't Tell" thing.

Jorine's got the bag. Uh oh!

Anne looking jaunty.

Dressing up as Pete is apparently good for one's ego. Everybody says hi and you get to make fun of total strangers.

It's good times, or so I'm told.

Now 5 December is Sint's official last night in town. That night all the hopeful little ones leave a shoe out (probably a wooden one in days of yore) in hopes that some helpful Pete will stuff a present or two into it. Thank God for iPods, yeah?

Here at Oudezijds 100, we have our own visit from Sint and Pete - a gift exchange. Everyone is given a name and then you go out and spend no more than €5 on a gift. For €5 it's going to be a pretty lame gift, but in a Dutch gift exchange the gift isn't really the point. It's all about how you wrap it.

The expectation is that a Dutch present, at minimum, will liberally misrepresent its actual contents. If you're lazy, you might just wrap it twice, but the creative gift giver may incorporate such things false bottoms, empty boxes and misleading shapes into their packages. A poem is then affixed, signed "Sint and Pete" (in a Dutch gift exchange the onus is on the receiver to uncover their 'benefactor'), and the deal is done.

Poor Anne received a screwdriver and a wrapped wooden box, which was fastened with dozens of wood screws, at least three cm in length, that had to be laboriously unscrewed for a half hour. I don't even know what she got.

My favorite 'surprise' though... well, I'll save that for later.

Anyway, we all gathered in the kapitaalzaal and, armed with lots of hot chocolate and pepernoten, awaited the arrival of Sint and Pete.

They came!







Ferdinand proves that grown up kids can get gifts too.



The spread.

But yeah, my favorite gift of the day? Well, it had to be this one:







Well, I don't see how whatever was in the box could be anything but a letdown after the Jesus Action Figure! Ah, well.

That's all the time we have for today kids, but if you're craving more Dutch mirth and merriment, you need to hear David Sedaris' reading his essay on Sinterklaas, entitled "Six to Eight Black Men." It's absolutely hysterical, and it's here, here and here.

Alles is Liefde

I need to watch more Dutch movies.

Saturday night we watched a 'film', as they say on this side of the ditch. We did it in the kitchen. There aren't many wide-screen LCDs in the house, but they do have a projector that can be rigged up with a laptop. The kitchen is big and cozy and has a blank wall, so people just drag chairs in and you have your own little cinema. Nice.

The Dutch watch American everything - Amercan movies, American TV, etc. Usually with subtitles of course. But Saturday night they turned the tables on me. We watched a bona fide Dutch movie with English subtitles on!

The film is a very popular one here called Alles is Liefde (Love is Everything). It's a romantic comedy slash holiday film. I don't go in for the RomCom genre much, but this one was very charming and very Dutch, and besides it was shot in Amsterdam. The bridges, the houses, the canals, even the Dam Square were all very much in evidence. Why aren't more films shot in Amsterdam anyway? It's a gorgeous, historic city. You'd think Jason Bourne would drop by from time to time.

I digress.

Now, to understand the plot of this movie you have to understand that a Nederlands Christmas is a bit different from our Christmas. It happens at a different time and has its own mythology.

You see, Sinterklaas actually comes from Spain. And he arrives in November. On a steamboat! He then spends a couple weeks in town. During this time his helper(s), the Black Piets, fan out through the land putting presents in the slippers of deserving children. Bad children don't get coal - they get bagged and hauled off! All the festivities come to a head on December 5th, which is Sinterklaas' birthday. Then, presumably, he heads back to Spain to enjoy the winter in warmer climes.

Ja!

Anyway, Love is Everything is one of those complicated films about multiple, interconnected characters who each have their own subplot but whose stories occasionally intersect. One couple has separated after he had an affair with their child's schoolteacher. Another couple is together, but he's lost his job and hasn't told her yet. Then we have the girl who works the counter at the department store who falls in love with the prince, a gay couple having some relationship issues on the eve of their marriage (legal in The Netherlands since way back), and a drifter looking for the family he abandoned twenty years ago.

When the pompous actor who plays the part of Sinterklaas for the annual steamboat arrival dies of a heart attack minutes before he's scheduled to go on, the mysterious drifter is conscripted by a television crew to fill the bill. While the steamboat is pulling in, a little girl (belonging to the dad who has lost his job) falls into the water and he jumps in and saves her. Then he runs off, leaving the city in an uproar and beginning a chain of events that will affect the lives of each of our couples.

It's complicated, okay. But I've decided it's also a great way to learn Dutch.

I'd never really thought about it, but you know how you always hear about Europeans saying they learned English from watching American TV? It totally makes sense now. Watching a foreign film with subtitles is a triple threat as far as language aquisition goes. You're simulatneously hearing the pronunciation, seeing the translation, and learning from the context. Subtitles are just super helpful.

I've asked Sister Annemieke if people in the house could carry around small whiteboards and write out subtitles for what they are saying, but she says no dice.

Ah well.

Anyway, if you're looking for a film that's light, warm and very very Dutch, you should totally track down this flick. I'm sure Netflix has it. And don't watch the English dub - sit back and enjoy the subtitles.